Welcome To Hogsmeade
by GinnyRules
Summary: A friendly mountain community where the blood is pure, the snow never melts, and the dark mark hangs in the sky while we all pretend to sleep…
1. Pilot

**A/N:** Yes, this is a Harry Potter/Nightvale crossover parody AU. Strongly featuring Drarry as a joke pairing, ye be warned. This should be about one chapter per nightvale episode, unless I decide differently. I don't even know anymore... Onward, I guess.

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_**Welcome To Hogsmeade**_  
**by GR**

_Potterwatch wasn't the only station following the progress of the second war. Reporting to you live via wizarding wireless from an undisclosed location, Draco Malfoy tells the tale of the Death Eater invasion and the boy with the lightning scar who braves the countryside in search of Horcruxes…_

oOo

A friendly mountain community where the blood is pure, the snow never melts, and the dark mark hangs in the sky while we all pretend to sleep... Welcome to Hogsmeade.

Hello listeners. To start things off I've been asked to read this brief notice: the Death Eaters announce the re-opening of the Chamber of Secrets in the school a few miles from the station. They would like to remind everyone that Mudbloods are not allowed in the Chamber. Teachers are not allowed in the Chamber. It is possible that you will see the Dark Lord entering the Chamber. Do not approach him. Do not approach the Dark Lord. Try not to look at the Chamber, and especially do not look for any period of time at the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord will not harm you (unless you are a Mudblood).

And now the news.

Old man Aberforth in the Hog's Head says he can produce a Patronus. Says it is seven feet tall with radiant antlers. Says it performs various household chores for him. It put out the cat. He is offering the services of his Patronus, which has the power to ward off Dementors. Says it is a goat Patronus, if that sweetens the pot for anyone. If you're interested, contact old man Aberforth. He's at the Hog's Head.

Harry Potter was spotted in town today. No one knows what he was doing here or what he wants from us. Why his perfect and untidy hair? Why his perfect and beautiful scar? He says he is the Chosen One. Well, we have all been the Chosen One at one point in our lives. But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with the sword of Gryffindor he is keeping in a small beaded bag in that tent of his camped out behind Honeyduke's? No one does Acid Pops like Honeyduke's. No one.

Just a reminder to all the parents out there. Let's talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the ice fields and the Shrieking Shack. You need to cast warming charms on them, make sure there are no Mudbloods in the area, and keep an eye on those Apparating in an out of the village. Are the figures appearing out of thin air belligerent and unwashed? Probably Snatchers. Not a good time for play that day. Are they wearing masks? Those are the Dark Lord's Death Eaters. They'll keep a good eye on your kids, and hardly ever take one. Are they decomposing corpses stumbling blindly through the landscape? No one knows where those Inferi came from, or what they want. Do not play in the area. Return to your homes, and lock the doors until a Death Eater leaves the head of an unfaithful house-elf on your doorstep to indicate that the danger has passed. Cover your ears to blot out the screams. Also, remember: Butterbeer is basically soda, so give your kids plain old water, and maybe a sermon on magical supremacy while they play.

A dragon guarding a Gringott's vault disappeared today, only to turn up, we are told, on the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch, disrupting Slytherin team practice quite badly. The dragon roared through the pitch for only a moment, and before it could burn any players to a crisp, it flew away again, this time apparently for good. There is no word yet on if or how this will affect the Slytherin team game schedule, and also, if this could be the work of their bitter rivals the Gryffindor team. Gryffindor is always trying to show us up through fancier broomsticks, better pregame snacks, and possibly, by transporting an aged dragon onto the pitch, delaying practice for several minutes at least. For shame, Gryffindor. For shame.

The Chosen One, who we all know to be Harry Potter, called a town meeting. He has eyes as green as a fresh pickled toad and teeth like a military cemetery. His hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure. Old man Aberforth brought treacle tarts, which were decent, but lacked sugar. He said the Death Eaters had taken his sugar for black market potions, and he hadn't yet gotten around to buying more. Potter told us that we are, by far, the most corrupt magical community in Britain, and he had come to rid the world of this scourge. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly. Hogwarts teachers with vague, uncertain allegiances were in the back watching. I fear for Potter. I fear for Hogsmeade. I fear for anyone caught between what they know and an Unforgivable curse.

The local chapter of the Muggleborn Registration Commission is selling badges as part of their fundraising week. They sent the station one to get some publicity, and I'm here to serve the magical community so I'm happy to let you all know about it. The badges are made from good, sturdy elm, and they read, "Wands don't choose Mudbloods. It's impossible for a wand to choose filthy blood. We are the sole proprietors of magic and it is a miracle." Stand outside of your front door and shout, "I must not tell lies!" to order one.

And now the weather.*

oOo

A great howling was heard from the Shrieking Shack yesterday. Villagers claimed no knowledge, although passersby described the sound as being a little like a fragment of a human soul being destroyed through basilisk venom. The Half Blood Prince—now, I don't know if you've seen this guy around; he's the one who appears to harbor a secret love for Mudbloods, yet wears a dark mark and claims to be the Dark Lord's most trusted adviser—he appeared on the scene, and swore that he would discover the truth. No one responded because it's really hard to take him seriously with that shampoo aversion of his.

The station would like to remind you about the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's Army. The reminder is that you should not know anything about these. The Patronus and Galleon-based methods of Order and DA communication are privileged information known only to rebels on a need-to-know basis. Please, do not speak to or acknowledge any rebels you might come across while shopping at Zonko's or Honeyduke's. They only tell lies, and do not exist. Report all rebel sightings to the Death Eaters for treatment.

And now for a brief public service announcement: Lethifolds. Can they kill your children? Yes.

Potter, perfect and beautiful, came into the studio during the break earlier, but declined to stay for an interview. He had some sort of locket in his hand with a tiny heartbeat. Said he was testing the place for traces of dark magic. I don't know what kind of dark magic he meant, but that locket sure hissed a lot like a snake. When he lifted it close to his scar it sounded like, well, like a room full of angry Parselmouths all yelling at each other. Potter looked nervous. I've never seen that kind of look on someone with eyes that green. He left in a hurry. Told me to evacuate the building. But then, who would be here to talk to all of you out there? Settling in to be another dark night and pureblooded evening here in Hogsmeade. I hope all of you out there can cast protective enchantments around your homes, or at least have neighbors who can do it for you.

Good night listeners. Good night.

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**A/N:** For access to the wizard rock tracks that constitute the weather portion of the show, check out my tumblr (link in my profile, tag welcome to hogsmeade). I base my scripts on the welcometonightvaletranscripts tumblr, with much appreciation. Good night readers, good night.


	2. The Glow Cloud

The war seems vast, endless, and yet Ministry wizards tells us that it is for the greater good. After all, Magic is Might...

Welcome to Hogsmeade.

The Hogwarts Mandatory Education campaign has kicked off with posters encouraging Pureblood families to send their children to school, or else. Their slogan? "The Dark Lord Commands it." Posters will be placed in pubs and wizarding supply shops in nearby towns, along with promotional giveaways of Borgin and Burke's rebate cursed merchandise.

And now, the news.

Have any of our listeners seen the glowing cloud that has been moving in from the north? Well, Madame Rosmerta—you know, the barmaid?—she saw it by a mountain cave this morning, said she would have thought it was the setting sun if it wasn't for the time of day. Apparently the cloud glows in a variety of colors, perhaps changing from observer to observer, although all report a low rumbling when it draws near. One death has already been attributed to the glow cloud. But listen, it's probably nothing. If we had to shut down the town for every mysterious event that at least one death could be attributed to, we'd never have time to do anything, right? That's what the Death Eaters are saying, and I agree. Although, I would not go so far as to endorse their suggestion to run directly at the cloud, shooting killing curses left and right, just to see what will happen.

The Half-Blood Prince—and I remind you this is the Mudblood lover who wears a dark mark—has announced that he has found some disturbing evidence concerning the recent incident at the Shrieking Shack, which has been sealed by Death Eaters since the great screaming that was heard from it a few days ago. He said that using ancient dark magic he slipped through Death Eater security into the Shrieking Shack, and observed that all the furniture had been thrown about as if in a whirlwind, that there was the heavy stench of blood, that the words written in blood on the wall said, "Enemies of the heir, beware." Can you believe this guy killed Dumbledore? What an asshole.

Here's something odd. Mrs. Norris, the caretaker's cat, has been hung upside down in the women's bathroom down at the school, I am told. She seems perfectly intact, but has been petrified and hung next to the sink. Doesn't seem able to move from her current spot. If you pet her, she is cold and hard like stone. Fortunately, because she's right by the sink, we assume the heir of Slytherin will emerge from the Chamber of Secrets and leave some water and food where she could get it, and it's nice for Filch to have a break. Says he wishes his cat hadn't been petrified, and he demands some punishment, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for what it is.

The Inquisitorial Squad has announced some slight changes to its hierarchy, which will now be the following: first years, prefects, head boy and girl, the Dark Lord's sworn youth, and members sealed by the Unbreakable Vow. As always, signup is automatic and non-negotiable, so look for the scarlet howler that will let you know you have been recruited.

Alert: the Dark Lord's Death Eaters are searching for a fugitive named Fluffy, who escaped custody last night following a 9pm arrest. Fluffy is described as a giant three-headed dog, approximately 18 feet tall, with fangs and claws and yellow eyes. He is suspected of being in serious breach of the ban on experimental breeding. Fluffy was stopped for alleged Patronus use last night, and Death Eaters became suspicious when he gave them the fake name Stubby Boardman. After discerning that Moony was actually a three-headed dog, the Death Eaters searched his trunk. Representatives from the local chapter of S.P.E.W. have protested that Death Eaters had no legal grounds to search his trunk, but were forced to cede the point when they were reminded by Death Eaters that our magical court system will uphold any old authoritarian rule made up (quite literally) on the fly by the Dark Lord and his unsupervised wand-carrying thugs of a shadow government. The Death Eaters say Fluffy escaped custody by biting and clawing at them, and he was last seen running on all fours towards the Shrieking Shack. Death Eaters are asking for tips leading to the arrest of Fluffy. They remind you that, if seen, he should not be approached, as he is literally a monstrous three-headed dog. Contact the Dark Lord's Death Eaters if you have any information. Ask for Macnair. Helpful tipsters will earn one stamp on their alert citizens card. Collect five stamps, and you get a Muggle hunting pass for a year.

And now, a look at the community calendar.

Saturday, the Room of Requirement up at the school will be unknowable. Students will forget the existence of the room 6pm Saturday morning until 11pm that night. The Room will be under a sort of renovation. It is not important what kind of renovation.

Monday, Gilderoy Lockhart is offering dueling lessons in the Defense classroom. Of course, Lockhart's memory was erased years ago, and Lockhart left the school immediately after with his paychecks cashed, but he's sent word that you should bring stories of your most daring exploits from the war to the pixie-infested den where his office once was, write them down and leave them in a dark corner where you can pretend he is teaching you. The price is five Galleons per session, payable in advance.

Wednesday has been canceled due to a mishap in the time room of the Department of Mysteries.

And on Thursday is a surprise inspection... That's all it says here.

New call in from Rosmerta—you know, the barmaid? Seems the glow cloud has approached the village, disturbing all of Hogsmeade with its weird light and loud rumbling. Owl post has announced it will continue its services, though protective enchantments will be placed on the birds due to the increasing frequency of objects falling from the sky. I've had multiple reports that a bicycle, like the kind you would see on the streets of Muggle London, or a blood traitor's backyard shed, fell on top of Madame Puddifoot's.

The Dark Lord's Death Eaters have apparently taken to shouting questions at the glow cloud, trying to ascertain what exactly it wants. So far, the glow cloud has not answered. The glow cloud does not need to converse with us. It does not feel as we tiny humans feel. It has no need for thoughts or feelings of love. The glow cloud simply is. All hail the mighty glow cloud. All hail.

And now, slaves of the cloud, the weather.

Sorry listeners. Not sure what happened in the earlier section of the broadcast. As in, I actually don't remember what happened. The glow cloud was revealed to be a thirty foot giant having set his own hair on fire, and one of the Imperius curses aimed at him by a Death Eater was bounced back onto me with curious results.

The giant, meanwhile, has moved on to a further mountain cave. He is now just a smoking spot in the distance, humming under his breath about "Hermy" and "Hagger." We may never fully know or understand at all who he was or why he threw bric-a-brac at our community. But, and I'm going to get a little personal here, that's the essence of life, isn't it? Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like the Dark Lord enslaving and threatening to kill your whole family. While they're happening they seem like the only thing that matters, and you can hardly imagine that there's a world out there with anything else going on. And then the Dark Lord leaves the country to chase an enemy in Nurmengard. And you move on. And the event is behind you. And you may find that, as time passes, you remember it less and less—and under pain of death are forbidden from speaking of it, in my case. And you are left with nothing but a powerful sense of paranoia and the faint but ever-present prickling of the dark mark on your arm.

Good night listeners. Good night.

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**A/N:** Many thanks to **krook** for reviewing! I'm having way too much fun with this. Until next time, readers, good night.


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